MOVED.

Sorry blogspot, tumblr = more freedom.

LOVELOVELOVE. change your links please.
http://loveandcigarettes.tumblr.com

If you need me baby, I'm for real.

"Your fingers hushed my lips
as I tried to explain maybe why
you and I should hide from such a love affair.
My friends think that I'm so insane
to fight this feeling, but my life's at stake.
Your embrace, thoughts won't erase.
Every now a minute of the day
I wait and hope and pray that you might stay.
And now you're moving oh so closely..
Killing me so softly, so softly."

I know you probably think that I'm so strange
stuttering on every word when you look my way, why?
And maybe it's all in my mind.

And maybe I'm a little angry..

Written in the weee AM on my phone. Shit happens and this comes out. Makes sense? Maybe not, but it's truth.

sick and tired
of being the lady that niggas break
the one that niggas won't shake
off cos they think something's there
but to be perfectly honest
they just frontin, actin like they wanna share
they life with her
they call her baby and maybe
make her smile a little
but it ain't wife they see
just a piece that they'd like to meet
in their sheets as they know her
or heard cos she a freak you know
but the nigga that told you so
been broke her heart into a million little pieces
and he don't see that she cry at night
cos she refuse to let him know she ceases
to gain control of her own life
cos she can't be the wife
who gets the love that they show
to they hoes who creep at night
and she's hurt cos she'd treat him right
but it ain't her he want, it's her body
cos who wants a broken soul
when the bitch is a sight to see
and feel cos she give it all away
and not to mention she'll suck your dick beautifully
and she'll call your name thinkin,
"baby, you so good to me"
but reality's shit and you're just full of it
then more niggas come along
who just wanna hit
and quit her love
cos she good for the night
but for the long run they don't stay
and the price she pays?
the numbers will pile
and her heart will break
and ache cos even the niggas who loved her
can't help her hopeless little self
she's destructive now and can't get a grip
she'll slip when someone new comes along
and promises to stay a while
and she stay fallin thinkin she strong
enough and yet they all prove her wrong
and even the nice one's don't stand a chance
cos her past will sneak and creep
up on what they got and to last
can't be possible
cos who wants to love someone that been used
and abused in the pants to the fullest
by niggas who don't care or maybe they do
is it true? she don't know anymore
she been thru a lot
but would you care to know, cos most do not
and it ain't right cos once you hear
that she been with not a mere
few but perhaps a whole lot
you think this bitch a slut
and this rut she stuck in forever
makes niggas wanna never know who she really be
cos that ain't who they see
and if you think she lucky
cos mad niggas wanna thug her
think to yourself how she wishes for real shit too
cos niggas show wifey love that's true
and she don't understand
why she can't
get that from a man
who'll hold her close
and make everything alright
and keep the night warm cos this harm's been done
and these niggas, they won
but what you see ain't what you get
so don't let what you heard fool you
get to know the lady instead of assuming you do
and show her love and respect
or expect her to disappear
cos she done dealin with niggas who fear
to show her the light that shines for her
so make that light for you too
cos she lookin to give her all to
someome she could call boo
and yet it all seems too good to be true
and she wonders when it'll be her turn
for the right nigga to yearn
and burn that flame for her
love

Baby, you wouldn't last a minute.

It had been a long day. She had longed for his presence a while now, but he busy with other things. Then, finally, he ended up there, at her door step. And as she looked at the man she once knew, she felt a tug at her heart. She may regret this.

This is probably the best, not to mention the worst, idea that I have ever had.

No words. A simple smile in the eyes told him to come inside, no need to ask. Anyday, anytime, she'd let him into her heart. She hated how weak she was for him. But she'd do anything to keep him near. Even if it was only for a moment.

It was almost instinct for him to simply walk into her a room and lie onto her bed. And it had come too natural for her to lock the door behind her and shut the lights off. Only this time, she didn't know what to do afterwards. As she lay down on the bed next to him, something inside of her cringed, and she knew why.

No awkward silences, no hiding any truths.

They both stared at the ceiling, knowing why they were here.. together.

"I'm sorry I'm late. She.."
"Don't say anything about that," she interrupted softly. "It doesn't matter. You're here now."

Let's just stop, drop everything.

He turned his body towards her, to bring himself closer to her warmth. The warmth he once knew so well. The warmth he thought he didn't miss. She could feel his gaze piercing her body. And as his hand caressed the side of her face, she closed her eyes as her body tensed up. She had waited so long to feel his touch again.

All egos aside, what do you say?

She turned to face him. She held his face in her hands, and he closed his eyes as he graced her fingers with his lips. Each kiss drove her crazy, and she writhed as she wished his lips onto hers.

Patience, she thought to herself, appreciate every moment you have with him.

But she couldn't help herself. With each gentle kiss, she felt herself draw him closer. And when he opened his eyes, he locked his eyes into her gaze as he felt her breath on his.

"Kiss me," her eyes said.

He saw the passion in her. He felt the love. But neither of them dare said it. It was too dangerous. Not again.

We say what we feel, but then we stop ourselves.

Her body started to tremble, and he bit his lip at the thought of being with her again. To feel her, to love her. Even if it was only for one night, he wanted nothing more than to hold her close.

And they gave in. Months, years of love, hatred and passion were present in their kisses. With each breath that they took, light moans escaped their lips. It was wrong, they knew it well. That didn't stop them. At each thought of having her for the night, he pressed his lips harder onto hers. His body throbbed as he felt her warmth.

"Love me," her body said. And he willingly obliged.

As he kissed her, his hand traced the contours of her body, exploring every inch of her. He had forgotten what it felt like to touch her this way. He ran his fingers through her hair, tugging it ever so gently, the way she like. She moaned softly and he couldn't take it anymore.

"I love you," he breathed.

Ignoring what we felt..

She pulled away for a second, not knowing what to do. Her heart turned at his words. But she longed to hear him say those words for a very long time.

"I love you too," she said.

Overlooking what we've done, what do you say?

It had been as if they were never apart. The passion unraveled, and he made love to her like she was his again. It didn't matter what the situation was, it was just the two of them now. To him, she was the most beautiful woman in the world, nothing compared. He had forgotten how it had felt to be with her again, and he didn't want it to end. Her heart raced at every pulsing thrust. He was hers, she was his. It felt right, the way it was supposed to be. And at the moment, it didn't matter if it wasn't remotely true.

Loving every second of it, we just walk away.

And she knew he would go back to someone else. For she wasn't his, and he wasn't hers. The love they held for each other didn't matter. The passion between them was merely lustful hatred that had harbored in their souls for such a long time. Perhaps too long, now.

Turn around and head in different directions, never looking back..

She would always love him. And he would always love her. And as he kissed her one final time, he made sure she would his love explode into her, because no one, no matter what, would love her the way he did. She took a deep breath and felt it, deep in her soul, and no matter how badly it hurt, she couldn't deny the truth. He would always be hers, and she would always be his. In each other's hearts. And it may not be what she wanted, but she took it for what it was.

It could be like we never knew each other at all.

And as he got up to walk out her door, he looked back and gave her one last kiss.

"Never leave me," his eyes said. And she watched him walk out the door.

This is probably the best, not to mention the worst, idea that I have ever had.

She could never learn to hate him. She could never learn to leave. She closed her eyes as she tried to rest. Her body throbbed and her heart ached. Traces of him still remained, and she wished she never let him in at all.

This endless cycle would never end.

Are you listening?

It's your own damn fault. You should have known better.

Can't I just escape it? I know I should have spoken up. I've let him think that it's been okay all this time. I've let myself believe I've been okay all this time. But it's not. Sometimes, I want to curl up into a ball and simply die. It's hard to cope. It's hard to come to terms with it, because, in all honesty, I don't think ever have.

I don't think I even know how to.

I just want to erase the thoughts of his hands on me. His kisses tracing my body. What was I thinking? Sometimes, I wish I had said something. Why did I just freeze? No. I said, "no." Even if I wasn't completely comprehensible, I said, "no." I SAID NO.

He didn't listen to me. He simply smiled and said, "Aw, baby you're too cute when you're drunk."

Oh, how it made me sick the way he called me baby. My stomach churned at the sight of his smile. He knew exactly what he wanted and he went straight for it. My "no"s were no good to him. And all he had to do was simply hold one arm over me and I was helpless. He was much too powerful. I think I blocked most of it all out, because next thing I know, he's on top of me, and I don't remember feeling anything. I was numb. I closed my eyes and just let him have his way with me.

"Oh baby," he'd whisper as his breath got heavier and more rapid. No word, no sound from me. No moan, no enjoyment. Yet no tears. NO TEARS, NO EMOTION. I wanted to scream. I wanted to shout and wake up someone, anyone. But at this point, everything was just locked up. He made me feel dead inside. Right at that moment, my body was no longer my own. It wasn't his, but it didn't belong to me anymore.

I despise him for it.

But I can't forgive myself for it. I need to. I need to heal. Everytime I think about it, my heart aches. I grow weary and nauseous. At the simple remembrance of him, I want to cry and scream and die. I want to hurt him for what he did to me.. but I'm not strong enough. I've blocked it out for so long. I should have never let him touch me. No matter what had happened before between us, I didn't want to. But my word was meaningless. My feelings, they didn't matter.

I can't erase the image of him looking down at me. His wicked little smile, the way he bit his lips as soft moans escaped them. I WANT TO VOMIT. He's a sick, sick man. I think he knew it, too. But his selfish little self justified it. He thinks I would have enjoyed it regardless.

The next morning was the worst. I remember getting home, and then I finally screamed my heart out. I broke down, and tears streamed from my eyes. He had broken me. He had taken my life from me, and I don't think I have ever recovered. At all.

I hate you. I need help.