It's your own damn fault. You should have known better.
Can't I just escape it? I know I should have spoken up. I've let him think that it's been okay all this time. I've let myself believe I've been okay all this time. But it's not. Sometimes, I want to curl up into a ball and simply die. It's hard to cope. It's hard to come to terms with it, because, in all honesty, I don't think ever have.
I don't think I even know how to.
I just want to erase the thoughts of his hands on me. His kisses tracing my body. What was I thinking? Sometimes, I wish I had said something. Why did I just freeze? No. I said, "no." Even if I wasn't completely comprehensible, I said, "no." I SAID NO.
He didn't listen to me. He simply smiled and said, "Aw, baby you're too cute when you're drunk."
Oh, how it made me sick the way he called me baby. My stomach churned at the sight of his smile. He knew exactly what he wanted and he went straight for it. My "no"s were no good to him. And all he had to do was simply hold one arm over me and I was helpless. He was much too powerful. I think I blocked most of it all out, because next thing I know, he's on top of me, and I don't remember feeling anything. I was numb. I closed my eyes and just let him have his way with me.
"Oh baby," he'd whisper as his breath got heavier and more rapid. No word, no sound from me. No moan, no enjoyment. Yet no tears. NO TEARS, NO EMOTION. I wanted to scream. I wanted to shout and wake up someone, anyone. But at this point, everything was just locked up. He made me feel dead inside. Right at that moment, my body was no longer my own. It wasn't his, but it didn't belong to me anymore.
I despise him for it.
But I can't forgive myself for it. I need to. I need to heal. Everytime I think about it, my heart aches. I grow weary and nauseous. At the simple remembrance of him, I want to cry and scream and die. I want to hurt him for what he did to me.. but I'm not strong enough. I've blocked it out for so long. I should have never let him touch me. No matter what had happened before between us, I didn't want to. But my word was meaningless. My feelings, they didn't matter.
I can't erase the image of him looking down at me. His wicked little smile, the way he bit his lips as soft moans escaped them. I WANT TO VOMIT. He's a sick, sick man. I think he knew it, too. But his selfish little self justified it. He thinks I would have enjoyed it regardless.
The next morning was the worst. I remember getting home, and then I finally screamed my heart out. I broke down, and tears streamed from my eyes. He had broken me. He had taken my life from me, and I don't think I have ever recovered. At all.
I hate you. I need help.
I don't think I even know how to.
I just want to erase the thoughts of his hands on me. His kisses tracing my body. What was I thinking? Sometimes, I wish I had said something. Why did I just freeze? No. I said, "no." Even if I wasn't completely comprehensible, I said, "no." I SAID NO.
He didn't listen to me. He simply smiled and said, "Aw, baby you're too cute when you're drunk."
Oh, how it made me sick the way he called me baby. My stomach churned at the sight of his smile. He knew exactly what he wanted and he went straight for it. My "no"s were no good to him. And all he had to do was simply hold one arm over me and I was helpless. He was much too powerful. I think I blocked most of it all out, because next thing I know, he's on top of me, and I don't remember feeling anything. I was numb. I closed my eyes and just let him have his way with me.
"Oh baby," he'd whisper as his breath got heavier and more rapid. No word, no sound from me. No moan, no enjoyment. Yet no tears. NO TEARS, NO EMOTION. I wanted to scream. I wanted to shout and wake up someone, anyone. But at this point, everything was just locked up. He made me feel dead inside. Right at that moment, my body was no longer my own. It wasn't his, but it didn't belong to me anymore.
I despise him for it.
But I can't forgive myself for it. I need to. I need to heal. Everytime I think about it, my heart aches. I grow weary and nauseous. At the simple remembrance of him, I want to cry and scream and die. I want to hurt him for what he did to me.. but I'm not strong enough. I've blocked it out for so long. I should have never let him touch me. No matter what had happened before between us, I didn't want to. But my word was meaningless. My feelings, they didn't matter.
I can't erase the image of him looking down at me. His wicked little smile, the way he bit his lips as soft moans escaped them. I WANT TO VOMIT. He's a sick, sick man. I think he knew it, too. But his selfish little self justified it. He thinks I would have enjoyed it regardless.
The next morning was the worst. I remember getting home, and then I finally screamed my heart out. I broke down, and tears streamed from my eyes. He had broken me. He had taken my life from me, and I don't think I have ever recovered. At all.
I hate you. I need help.
1 comment:
Ah, I love your writings.
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