Damaged.

"I'm a little paranoid, from what I've been through. Don't know what you got yourself into."

She lights her cigarette and takes a long, deep pull. The smoke travels deep into her lungs, and finds it way out when she lets out a breath. No cough, she's used to it by now. She cries silently on the phone as she tells the person on the other end, "I don't know what to do anymore." She regrets the mistakes she's made, the words she's said. She wishes she could take it all back. Just to right the wrong in her life. She thinks to herself that if she had did things differently, the hurt wouldn't be present.

Another pull. But things happen for a reason, she knows that. That night happened for a reason; but now she wonders, what reason? Things were perfectly content, she had to drag out another side. The person on the other end can't stand to hear her so sad. Why is she staying?

"Because sometimes, you just want to see what will happen."

Another long pull. Her head's starting to feel a little light. She's smoking the cigarette faster now. She's stressed. She pushes her forehead on the steering wheel of her car and her tears start to flow. "More than anything, I wish I had never said those things. I know I hurt him bad. And this is my punishment."

Before the person on the other end can say a genuine word of kindness, he comes out of nowhere. His eyes go directly to the cigarette and he shakes his head. She's better than this, he knows it. She avoids his gaze and takes an even longer pull from her cigarette. It's her biggest weakness; after him that is.

He tells her he's tired and that he's heading home. She's not surprised, so she simply says okay and starts her car and drives away. Clearly, she's upset, and her tears blur her vision as she drives. She pulls over on the side of the road and calls him. Damn, she thinks to herself, I need to pull myself together. He shows up, fairly quick. Maybe he still cares. She hops into his car and tries to regain her composure. No good. She needs comfort, she needs loving arms to hold her and make her feel safe. She hates this feeling of hopelessness. Yet she's not ready to give up.

They talk. Her words still affect him, and she cries because she hates herself for it. Stop hating yourself, she thinks to herself. He's big enough to handle a few hurtful things. But she still can't help but wish that that night had never happened. She tries to get him to open up to her but it's no use. There's a wall between them, who built it? Surely not one person is to blame. But she feels like she's trying more. And him? She's doesn't know. He gives her the option to leave.

But she chooses to stay. And on the way home she slaps herself and tells her to suck it up, this isn't who she is. Yet something is telling her not to walk away. If only she knew what it was.